


All We Ever Were

by V_eliza



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Anxious Evan "Buck" Buckley, Athena Grant and Bobby Nash are Evan "Buck" Buckley's Parents, Canon Compliant, Firehouse 118 Family Feels (9-1-1 TV), Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Insecure Evan "Buck" Buckley, Season 4 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 11:34:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29331648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/V_eliza/pseuds/V_eliza
Summary: Evan’s parents had always seemed like strangers. It's all they were and all they ever would be to him. The only thing he knew about them for certain was that they never loved him the way parents should. He was nothing to them. He spent his entire life craving their love but nothing he did was worth a second of their time.He tried. He really did.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Athena Grant, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Firehouse 118 Crew, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley
Comments: 2
Kudos: 106





	All We Ever Were

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the song 'Irrelevant' by Lauren Aquilina

Evan’s parents had always seemed like strangers. It's all they were and all they ever would be to him. The only thing he knew about them for certain was that they never loved him the way parents should. He was nothing to them. He spent his entire life craving their love but nothing he did was worth a second of their time.  
He tried. He really did.   
He thought maybe he wasn’t smart enough, so he worked extra hard in school. His grades went up and for the first time, he felt good about himself. But they didn’t love 'Smart Evan' any more than 'Normal Evan'. So he tried being a jock instead. He became an athlete, winning every race he entered, but they were never waiting at the finish line. They didn’t display his trophies or ribbons. He ran miles and miles for their love while they stood still. 'Sporty Evan' failed. Then came 'Artistic Evan', followed by 'Musical Evan' and then eventually back to what he called ‘Boring Normal Evan'. None of them satisfied his parents. He would never be what they wanted.  
So he left.  
They didn’t need him.  
They didn’t love him.  
He traveled for a while, desperate to find the piece of himself he was so clearly missing. Yet everywhere he went his parents were on his mind. He was surrounded by happy families and proud parents… a constant reminder of what he never had. But the worst part was knowing his parents probably hadn't even noticed he was gone. He sent them postcards now and then, hoping to mend whatever was broken between them, but they never replied.  
They didn’t want to.  
They couldn’t be bothered to.  
Because they didn’t love him.  
Evan wasn’t enough, so he became Buck.  
Buck hadn’t failed anyone yet, it was a clean slate… an attempt at a new life. It was his chance to be free of the fire that suffocated him his entire life.  
Buck wasn’t like Evan. Evan was alone, while Buck’s bed was never empty. Evan doubted his every move, Buck had confidence that was sky-high. Evan never had a chance at a family... but Buck did.  
The 118 gave him everything his parents never had. His firefighting family never gave up on him, unlike his parents who couldn’t turn away fast enough. Thanks to the 118, Buck didn’t hate Evan anymore.  
Of course, nothing could in Buck’s life lasted.  
The second his parents entered LA, everything he’d built burned to the ground. The emptiness he’d felt growing up drowned him once again and there was nothing he could do to fight it.   
It had been years since they’d seen each other, yet nothing seemed more important to Mr. and Mrs. Buckley than tearing down their son. His parents left him feeling broken in a matter of hours.   
A part of him had always hoped that somewhere deep inside they did truly love him. All it took was a box of Maddie's precious memories to prove him wrong.   
His life wasn’t worth remembering to them.  
So he left once again.  
However, this time he knew where he was going.   
There was no need to wander around the earth in search of a home. He knew exactly where he needed to be.  
The second Bobby and Athena opened their front door Buck knew he’d made the right choice by going there. The sympathetic look in their eyes as they took in his broken appearance showed more love than his parents had ever been capable of.   
That night, Bobby and Athena gave Buck everything he wished his parents had. He’d learned from a young age not to cry in front of his mother and father, knowing they viewed it as nothing more than weakness.   
He didn’t have to hide his feelings with Athena and Bobby though. They didn’t belittle him or ignore him the way his parents would’ve. They let him feel everything. They held him as he cried, helped him breathe through the unending panic attacks, and stayed by his side until the moment his eyes finally closed. Most importantly, they were there when his eyes opened too.  
Waking up to Athena stroking his hair, her motherly aura surrounding him gave him the safety he'd never had at his parent’s home.   
Here, with Bobby and Athena, was a real home.   
Growing up he'd never belonged. Home was a concept, a luxury he would never be granted. Now he had many.  
Bobby, Athena, Eddie, Hen, Chimney, and Maddie, their spouses and kids, they were his heart’s home. They were the final puzzle piece his life had always been missing, making him finally feel complete.  
Long gone were the days that he would desperately search for any kind of love from his parents. The moment he was born they threw him to the lions but he came out stronger and he survived.   
He didn’t need them. Maybe he never did.  
Buck finally understood the truth.  
His parents' lack of love for him was not his fault. They put him through hell, made him miserable, left him feeling unloved and unwanted no matter what he did. It was something deep inside them that was broken.  
He was irrelevant to them but for the first time in his life, he didn’t care.  
They didn’t need him but that set him free. He didn’t have to spend his life blaming himself for being unlovable, he no longer needed to search for his missing piece. If he decided to never speak to them again, they probably wouldn’t notice and he saw that as a blessing. There was no more guilt in leaving his parents in the past.  
As they finally left California, Margaret and Phillip Buckley became strangers once again. Faces in a crowd Evan ‘Buck’ Buckley would never notice. They were nothing to him and he couldn’t be happier.


End file.
